In my recent Internet travels, I came across a most poignant story written by another woman and mother. Liked it so much, I shared it on my facebook wall. In a nutshell, she’d been discussing the topic of how to deal with difficult people, slash situations, with a girlfriend of hers. Some folks are inherently difficult. And mud-slinging types are obviously everywhere. Sometimes it can feel almost impossible to not be sucked into their drama. Her friend told her she just doesn’t hit the ball back to these kinds of people. That adhering to the phrase “don’t hit the ball back”, has gotten her through those tough times when someone’s batting (and I’m paraphrasing here) a Ball full of BS at her. The author of this piece concluded that the phrase has stuck with her. Even though there are numerous other adages pertaining to these kinds of situations, such as “take the high road” (very commonly used around my parts) and “don’t stoop to their level”, (timeless), “I don’t have to show up to every argument I’m invited to” (clever), and “the world’s full of cactus, doesn’t mean I have to sit on one” (one that’s sure to bring a chuckle), this ball analogy one just stands out most. Perhaps it’s because the others are played out. When we hear something enough times, we cease to hear it anymore. The audible sound is there, but the meaning’s lost. Faded from its overuse, it slowly comes to hold no weight. That’s one theory. And personally, this new phrase also resonates because I’m a very visual person. The mental picture that it conjures up works for me: When someone is slinging mud (the ball) at me, I can let it lie there, instead of ‘batting’ back. I like that. It’s my choice. I can keep the ball game going, or I can see it for what it truly is, and walk off the field. (One that sometimes, I wasn’t even aware I was standing on, for a game I didn’t know I was even in, in the first place.)
At this point in my life: a mother of two, a wife, a pet owner twice over, home owner and multiple bill possessor… nearing the big 3-0, I’ve learned quite a few surprising life lessons. This specific post will focus on one of those. (And if you’ve fallen off track with my “big 3-0” comment, spare me the head shaking and dramatic commentary. I know that 30 isn’t “old”, but it is a landmark birthday for any woman. And while I’m aware that people over thirty may be reading this and could potentially find it laughable or find it insulting- it’s not meant to be taken that way. If you’ve passed your 30th, I’m sure you didn’t do so without at least batting an eyelash. It’s kind of a big deal. Therefore, I feel I’m entitled to the use of the word “big” when referencing it. So, let’s get back on track.)
At the age of 25, supposedly, the part of our brains that understands consequence is supposed to have matured, allowing us to adequately choose between good and bad behavior. This one lesson I’d like to focus on presently is: Immaturity fades, meanness however, does not. Plainly put: Women do not outgrow Mean. Immaturity fades away with most of the life changes I’ve listed above. But true mean girls just grow up to be mean women. Sure there may have been unfortunate incidents where we females can recall with cringed expressions a time in our adolescence that we dropped the ball and acted unkind, snarky or even mean. Hell, we may have even been bitchy as recent as last week to a brawd that cut us off in the parking lot of the grocery market. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m addressing perpetual meanness. You see it on tv: Hello Real Housewives! You see it in the news: Female politicians publicly dissing their opponents based on the other woman’s appearance. And probably, you’ve seen it in your own social circles. I see it time and again, thus I’m convinced it’s got to be true. Heck, even a recent study done by Indiana University in Bloomington found that children who are remorseless bullies usually go on to develop “severe behavioral problems such as fighting, lying and stealing” well into adulthood. There you have it! Scientific data to back it up! But, seriously, they could have just asked almost any lady out there, and we could have told ‘em all about it.
Just recently, I’ve been made privy to the most heinous remarks made by a female in a social circle that I “travel in”. I gasped out loud. Oh the stories! Somehow they can still manage to blow my mind! But nothing is like seeing it with your own two eyes. A very kind woman I met a couple of years ago is the latest victim of a few Grown Mean Girls, and I’d had the opportunity to see the exact email correspondence that ensued. The words that these GMG’s used, one in particular, are ones that I could never imagine uttering to another woman. (If you don’t know me personally, I should point out that I’m no soft spoken wall flower of a chick. I curse. Regularly. I’ve got hot head Sicilian and Italian blood running through my veins and I do not allow myself to be walked on-Ever.) With that cleared up, I would think that at a certain age and point in ones’ life, unless you are complete trash or under the influence of drugs, there are particular words you’d steer clear from “throwing” at other adults. And certain topics we should refrain from, as well, say like family. I’m of the firm belief that you can very clearly get your point across while maintaining your self respect and dignity. Although, one could certainly argue that these types have no dignity.
A reoccurring theme I see in some of these, er, situations… is when one person becomes the target after refusing to participate in the meanness. The aforementioned friend is one of these people. She’d had it with the manipulative undercurrent of a set few within a larger circle of friends, and she called the nastiest GMG out on her bad behavior, using specific examples that had accumulated over quite a long period of time to explain why it was people were beginning to exclude her. The accounts of lying, manipulating, back stabbing, two faced trash talking and outright bullying, were laid out by my friend on a silver platter. (Speaking of “balls”, not a lot of us women could have found the courage to be so forthcoming and honest. I applaud her.) This GMG undoubtedly took the message as a threat, instead of a lesson in “How to Treat Others 101” and began work on another web of deceit and damage control with the few women she had left in her corner. One by one her minions clicked the “delete” button on their facebook friends lists on the woman who dared go against the “ring leader” of the GMG’s. And one even had the “balls” to throw some truly ghastly messages her way. I haven’t heard yet, but I know how much class this friend of mine has, so I’m fairly certain she let those balls lie right there in silence.
Once, in middle school, I’d refused to go along with the birthday girl’s idea of doing something catty to another girl at her sleep over party. This mean girl plotted and planned and roped some others in on doing one thing or another to her poor unsuspecting victim, once the gal fell asleep in her sleeping bag. I outright refused. I don’t find humor in laughing at others’ expense. I come from the school of “laughing with you, not at you”- of course this mentality completely goes out the window if you fall down steps, or break a chair upon sitting in it. Then you’re free game. (I’d still give you a hand to help you up- but let’s keep it real, funny’s funny.) I digress… I think you can see where I’m going with this story. An “insider” proved her loyalty to me by informing me that I’d ticked this birthday meany off so much by not going along with her evil scheme (which in turn, caused some others to not go along with it) that she’d changed her target to Me. I vowed to stay awake ALL night, and succeeded. Hymph. Point in case- these mean asses are of the mind that if you’re not “with them”, you are “against them”. And watch out then, because when they throw their balls, they’re aiming for below the belt! … It also makes me believe that some of these GMG’s ‘friends’ are just afraid of being on the other end of the stick, and so they follow the old “Keep your enemies closer” mentality just like they did in middle school.
These days I’m being very cautious as to whom I will call a friend. ‘Sticks and Stones’- say what they will, these GMG’s will not get to play with me. They can throw enough digs my way to have dug a hole large enough to burry themselves in, and they still will not get the satisfaction of a response from moi. No sense in “hitting back the ball” with these types. I’d had my fair share of experience with this kind of person, and seen enough of other’s dealings with them. There’s no changing them. Puberty has already proven this point. And they don’t deserve the attention from the rest of us. Just “don’t hit the ball back”!
(Photo courtesy Getty Images)
Now, mess with my kids and that’s one ball I’ll grab with my hand and throw back at ya- hard enough to bust your nose. But that’s a different ball game entirely…………
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