During a phone call with a gal pal of mine, she said
these very words: “I’m beautiful. I’m gorgeous, and I know I’m f*cking gorgeous.” I laughed hysterically! I couldn't even stop myself. For the longest time I just laughed and laughed. Then I quickly explained that I wasn’t laughing because I disagreed and thought that she’s truly buttass fugly. Rather, I explained, that I laughed because I was just so completely caught off guard. I never hear women talk themselves up in this way. The way she said it, with such assuredness, and so candidly and straightforward as if she were stating that the sky is blue or was speaking of the weather outside, was really… truly….something. It just doesn’t happen. Here in the real world, I mean. I'm not talking on reality TV or anything, with those girls who dramatically talk to the camera about how jealous their frenemies are of their beauty, their money, their men.
I’ve written before about the things I’m learning along the way in this silly thing called life. Well, one of those things I’ve learned is that it is very uncommon for the female community to actively compliment ourselves, or to easily accept compliments from our counterparts. On the other hand, I’ve become increasingly aware of the fact that men DO. My guy will be the first person to tell you all about his latest accomplishment. I've seen him in action. And I've seen many other men act the same. So this clearly is a female issue.
I do it all the time. Like many other females, I’m my own worst critic. And I can dish it out, but I can’t take it: Compliments, that is. “You look like great! Looks like you’ve lost weight, too”, someone will say. My likely response: “Oh, no I don’t. I haven’t washed my hair in two days, I’ve got a new zit on my chin, and I just downed four cookies before you got here.” OK. First lesson, not everyone needs to know EVERYTHING. (Whoops- Wait, why am I blogging again, then?) And second, yeah I actually have been eating better in general and hitting the gym. So why couldn’t I just take the damn compliment and been proud of my minor accomplishment. In trying to dissect why it is I don’t just accept the kind words with humble open arms, I’ve come up with a few reasons why this scenario typically goes down the way it does.
I somehow twistedly believe that in agreeing with the individual doing the complimenting, I’m being self involved and narcissistic. As in, “Yes, I DO look awesome. Thank you so much for noticing!” Ick. Secondly, I’d feel obligated to give a “thank you compliment”, as in “Why, thank you. You look great, too!” Two problemos with this reaction: First, it seems entirely insincere to give a compliment after someone else has given you one. It comes across as what it is: a compliment only garnered by having received one. And that seems terribly inauthentic. I don’t like fake. So coming off as a fake isn’t a trait I’d like to portray. But, alright, say that a little white lie to be cordial and make the chick feel good isn’t such a bad thing. I guess it’s not so terrible. However, what if that person quite literally looks like crap? Then I’d not only be a fake with my false nicey-nice “thank you compliment”, but I’d be a flat out liar. It’d be incredibly difficult for me to accept a compliment without feeling a responsibility to return the kindness, and if the person’s gained 15 pounds, has dandruff flakes showing in her hair, spinach in her teeth, and frumpy clothing on during this “Compliment Encounter”, how in the world could I find one flattering thing to say to her? It’s then that I’d grasp for straws, and hope to god that she’d at least had some nice smelling perfume spray that she’d thought to spritz on. Then I could say, “And what about you, lady? You smell lovely.” But that’s certainly a stretch, of course.
More seriously, this mingling and unifying over our insecurities and downfalls is actually quite disturbing. It’s far more common to hear us putting our negatives on display when in the presence of other females than it ever is to hear us bragging about our accolades. There are a million and one situations I can recall in which my visits with fellow women consisted of a comparison of negatives in our lives. We quite literally bond over them. “My husband never puts his dirty clothes in the Hamper!” (Mine, either!) “Oh, my hair is so horrible I can’t do a thing with it, ever!” (Same here! Look at this frizz, and these roots. They’re a stylist’s worst nightmare.) There’s not much off limits. I hear the comparison of how wretched the children can be, how hefty the bills are, how argumentative the marriages are, how dire the struggles with weight are. It’s pretty endless. And on the rare occasion that a female does like to talk about the positives in her life, we other gals label her as a “bragger”. What a completely twisted point of view the majority of us females tend to share.
This self berating appears to begin at a very early age for females. School girls quickly discover that by sharing our downfalls with others in our class, we form friendships. We’re sympathetic to one another. That nurturer in us feeds into the whole “You’re not alone” idea, and we demonstrate our loyalty partially through empathy for one another. It’s a trait that binds. Of course, I’m certain it’s not all conjured up. Girls naturally have many issues with acceptance of themselves and their bodies, due largely in part to overwhelming media images. But that’s a blog of a different sort.
If you’re a female, you’ve likely experienced these interactions yourself. It’s almost as if we’re afraid to sound braggy and bitchy if we exclaim how happy we are with ourselves in one way or another. Not only is this unquestionably unhealthy for female kind to continue on with the self defamation, but we’re teaching the up and coming female generations our ghastly ways as well.
I often hear other women speak of how we should be lifting one another up instead of attempting to tear one another down. But how can we do that, when we rarely work to lift ourselves up? If we’re not thinking highly enough of ourselves to accept just compliments where compliments are due, share our happiness and good fortunes, and to proudly wear our accomplishments and strengths on our sleeves with each other, why in the world would we sincerely do as much for a fellow femme?
So, I’ll vow now to make a change.
I’ll put out there that things are going pretty great around my way. (BTW, this is a good reminder for me to be grateful, because today was kind of rough up until a little bit ago- with me losing sight of all I’ve got and focusing on the negatives.)
Some good stuff I'd normally not broadcast: My husband received a substantial raise and promotion recently, and is furthering his education once more in a career he’s desired to be in for some time. Great news for him and especially for our family! And this job switch is all at the expense of his employer. Sure he’s a little grumpier and more tired at times with all he’s taken on at work, and I miss him lots, but it’s a true blue blessing of pretty epic proportions in our eyes. Also, both of our boys are striving in their first year of preschool and pre-k, and the blessings of finding this wonderful school they’re in is not lost on me. Each and every time I walk through those doors to drop them off, or pick them up, I’m reminded of how fortunate we are to be able to afford this great and loving environment that nurtures and educates our children. I've joined a gym, and have been getting healthier and feeling better. The hubs just signed up himself last night too. A definite positive. Some other stuff.... Since beginning couples therapy a year ago this month, John and I are the closest and most communicative we’ve ever been with one another. Extended family issues are mended and progressing, and the time we spend with our loved ones is priceless. Both of our children will be four years old soon. Our youngest boy will celebrate his fourth birthday this Sunday. And next month, just before Christmas, his older brother will turn five. The holidays are upon us, and we’re looking forward to celebrating with all of the people we hold dearest. All good things! Sure there are a number of things that could always be better…. But they can always be far, far worse too. I’m lucky, and pretty darn happy, I don’t feel the need to pretend otherwise.
So go ahead, compliment me the next time I see you. ;-) I’m ready for it!
