Things I Miss......

Things I miss.....

Time.  (Time to ponder, time to read, to paint my nails, blow dry my hair, clean, shop, plan…)

Writing.  Writing clears my mind, calms my soul, and rejuvenates my spirit.  (Getting thoughts onto paper, or computer, happens so much less now.)

Creating.  (Interior design, scrapbooking, poetry, experimenting with styling.)

My pre-kids body (Looking at old pictures my mother’s been uploading to her facebook account can be frustrating.  But not even so much because I’m pining away for that old physique.  It’s really because I realize now that during the times some of the best pictures were taken of me,  I was the most judgmental and critical of my outward appearance.  So sad how this is just another way that youth is wasted on the young.  I really should have appreciated what I had, and been comfortable in my skin.)

My pre-kids mind (well, parts of it, crazy enough it’s actually gotten better in a myriad of ways.)

Free time (Different from just "time" in general.  Free time, empty minutes with which I haven't a clue what to do with, nor do I care how I fill it because "there's more where that came from!".  What in the world DID I do before kids?? No, seriously?)

The ability to purchase just about anything without thinking twice.  (I can recall days of marathon mall shopping, breezing through stores while tossing item upon item onto my arm without so much as glancing at the price tags … or even having to try the garmets on.  Or checking my watch to make sure I wasn’t there for too long.)

The carefree nature that comes with having no one who depends on you, but you.

Having virtually no one else to consider but my own selfish needs and desires.

The ability to pick up and go on a whim with little to no preparation or planning.

First’s butterflies.  And experiencing different kinds of passion, intellect, and men whenever I so desired.  (Not that I ‘got around’ too much.  I’m just saying…  The option was there.)

Girl time.  The gab fests, the chick flicks, the shopping sprees, the beach weekends, and “make overs”.  All without being interrupted a thousand times over by the demanding offspring of mine or my gal pals' and without having to plan this ladies only fest far in advance.

Rest.  Sleeping in.  Noontime naps.  Dozing off during reruns of Will and Grace sporadically.  All gone now.

But what I’ve gained is hands down incomparable. 

Love for life.  (I could stop right here.)

The monumental task of instilling values, compassion, and a love of life into two flawless new human beings.  (Because, while brain wracking at times, it’s an appreciated responsibility and the hugest privilege to have.)

The daily opportunity of learning some of life’s greatest lessons….  From children.  And when least expected.  

Unconditional love.  Truly.  Love- with NO conditions.  (Isn’t that what everyone’s looking for in life?)

Finding out that the heart could have feelings so vulnerable, so full of adoration, and drenched with a love so deep it feels as if it could burst wide open.  Daily.  (I mean, who knew the heart was capable of experiencing these emotions before kids enter the picture?  It is AMAZING!)

A new sense of “drive” in myself- because nothing I do is for myself any longer.  Nothing.  (They inspire me, they encourage me, they light a fire in me when before only a mere tiny flame existed that slightly flickered and for mostly the wrong reasons, ie competitiveness and self absorption.)

I could absolutely add more.  But I’ve covered enough right here….

I wrote this list because it’s so easy for me to fall into Debbie Downer mode sometimes or even have moments of nostalgia of days gone by.  I am faced with tremendous responsibility for these lives I created, and to be honest that can be overwhelming and stressful to where migraines and stomach ulcers occur.  Sometimes it’s as if I’ve got sunglasses super glued to my face, making it impossible to find the bright side.  Worry is the name of the game most days.  (“Will my child be accepted into this great school we applied to?”…  “When will our home finally sell?”).  Much different than the old pre-kids me who pondered life’s great queries such as, “Which movie should I check out this weekend?”    And, “Which shade of OPI do I pick at the nail salon this time, Your Villa or Mine Coral or I’m Really Not a Waitress Red”?)

 If single and childless me fails, it’s an entirely different beast than if married, mother me fails.  Now, when I fail- I’m failing them.  The choices I make weigh much more heavily on my mind.  The beautiful, smart, energetic, wonder-filled, blissfully happy, loving and adoring sons of mine are subject to deal with the consequences of my choices as well as me.  If I fuck up, they have to deal with the consequences either directly or indirectly (my bad mood.)  If I do something that puts them in distress, in a situation that is not conducive to their best interests, or sets them back from being in a place that fosters their unique qualities and opportunities- it’s devastating to me.  (Yes, I can be dramatic.)  The mental pressure translates to physical ailments at times.  And it's ever so unpleasant.

I knew that everything would change when I peed on that stick the afternoon of April 27^th 2006.   But no matter how many books I read, or how many TLC “A Baby Story” shows I watched- nothing came close to preparing me for the realities of being a mother.  The world is vast in information about birthing a baby, but what happens forevermore afterwards is all on you to figure out.  And what I've come to know is nothing I'd ever contemplated during those nine months of pregnancy.  

I’ve changed in countless ways.  What I once saw as strength, conviction or gumption before, I now understand to be immaturity, stubbornness, and foolish pride that I had.  I probably would have walked away from my relationship with their father a hundred times over the way I walked away from every man before him, if not for him being Their Father.  I’d most likely still be a member of our old church and religion, because I was too lazy to force myself to look at it without my blinders on, and instead stubbornly defended it to anyone who questioned it because I was immature and lacked a real reason to go on a quest for truth.  I volunteer now, because I’m compelled to be a good example for the kids, above other reasons I have.  I’ve omitted people from my life who are not in line with my values, and I’m much more cautious as to whom I allow in my life- because they’re also in my children’s lives.  I’m a self proclaimed “cat person”, yet now have the most lovable and cute dog that I can’t get enough of, and who can’t get enough of me.  All because the boys wanted a pet pup and I’d do just about anything to see them smile.  I’ve had much practice in honing the art of holding my tongue, and in knowing when to stand up for my convictions and demand respect now that I’m a mother.  The changes keep happening as I evolve as a woman with children and a spouse.  The experiences, all brought on by the birth of my sons and my marriage with their father, have shaped me into a much more authentic and careful person.  And even more exciting, is that as they continue to grow- I grow right along with them.

 

In the end, it helps to tick off the impossibly fortunate aspects of your life.  Corny as it may seem, I feel better already.  I’ve got a lot to stress about, sure.  But I’ve got more to celebrate.  The “bright side” is lookin’ pretty darn bright.  Maybe today I'll put on those figurative sunglasses for another reason- our future together is so bright is blinding! Thanks, Julian and Lucas.  You fellows keep me on my toes, make life worth living, and brighten up even the darkest nights. And thanks to my sweet hubby.  You do a pretty good job with those things, yourself. ;-)

“I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring.” ~Liz Armbruster