Today I'm posting a Poem about the three loves of my life: My husband and our two sons.
I wrote this quite a while back- (Friday, January 30, 2009 at 1:50am to be exact).
I've been especially sentimental and emotional lately. My youngest just turned the ripe old age of four. His bother, also four, will be the Big 5 Years Old next month. I can remember things about my own fifth birthday. That means, he's most definitely not a baby any longer. He'll have actual, legitimate memories of this time in his life now. He's a full fledged, impressively functioning, human being (as is his wiser-than-his-years little bro).
With the changing of Summer to Fall, I always feel a bittersweet ache in my heart. It's the time of year that brings with it the most family-centered holidays, and it's also the time of year my first niece was born. A year later, my own first child was born, and the following year- my second. To sum it up: I turn into one big emotional mush ball each Autumn.
It's a reminder of such truly magnificent times in my life. But it's also a very pivotal reminder of how quickly time is passing by. A part of me wishes time would slow, just a bit. There are all of these mini-milestones taking place nowadays that are proving much harder to accept than I would have thought. Just yesterday, I gave myself a minor heart attack when my firstborn rode on a school bus for the very first to his very first field trip. It was so fascinating and wonderful for him to experience. I was ecstatic for him. Truly. But for me, it involved a sleepless night before, and terrible chest and stomach pains the day of. I tortured myself with visions of him wondering off in a pumpkin patch somewhere and not making it back, or of an accident happening in the extreme fog we experienced yesterday morning with this stranger school bus driver and the dimwits on the road without headlights on. The worry was so physically exhausting that I felt fatigued in a way I was not accustomed to. Afterwards I couldn't squeeze and kiss the boy enough. The relief that washed over me cannot be described in words, the moment I saw his bright smiling face come around that corner at Pre-K yesterday afternoon. No one drives my babies. No one baby sits my babies (other than my mom, really...). It's me and them. For all of their lives. Things like this field trip are all foreshadowing what's to come. The boys will continue to take more and more steps away from me, with their own two feet. I'm so proud of them, and their independent nature. But I cannot help my need to be there with them... for them.... It's such a struggle to put my trust in others that they're looking out for my children when I'm not there. I'm now understanding why so many mothers opt to go on Xanex.
Another reason I become so emotional (and sad) is that I desire incredibly to have more children, although like many others in our current economy, our situation doesn't allow for it. And the older the boys get, the further away we get from the idea of adding more siblings to our brood. I do not wish to have children eight or ten years apart. The family I envisioned would be close, and "grow up" together in the same household. If money were no issue, I'd have had another child by now. It saddens me. I wonder when that will end.
Don't get me wrong, I'm more than content with these two angels. I simply just love being a mom, and I want for them to have a large support system of siblings to share their lives with. I dream of being surrounded by all of my children and grandchildren in my senior years, with a home filled with love constantly multiplying and laughter pouring out through the windows. I struggle with "quality over quantity" in terms of what we can afford to give them in life, and what they'll have to sacrafice if we were to add another child to the family. Afterall, there are already tons of experiences John and I wish to provide them with that we're unable to. Private school being number one on our list.
For now, it's just me, my beloved John and our two perfect boys. And today, I'm counting every single blessing they continue to bring me. I just adore the hell out of them!
Three Pairs of Blue
Three pairs of two
The most beautiful I’ve ever seen
Each a different shade of blue
Not brown, hazel, or green
The windows to each one’s soul
So I’ve heard my whole life
Two pairs to mother and mold
To the third, a supportive wife
The depth and the beauty of each pair’s hue
One tip of the iceberg to what lies inside
Of each magnificently unique pair of blue
For which I hold the utmost of pride
All six eyes of blue twinkle, dance and shine
I’m so fortunate to look into them each day
Beyond lucky am I that those blue eyes are mine
Making life more spectacular in every way
Those three pairs of blue make each smile more bright
And each teardrop more deeply felt
They brighten up a dreary day, and light up the darkest night
And with just a mere glance from them, I melt
The first pair grabbed me at my first look
With intensity and flirtatiousness I won’t soon forget
First my attention, then my heart those eyes took
Giving me a feeling of intrigue the moment we met
The second pair came on a December afternoon
And was like seeing love for the very first time
My joyful emotions filled up the room
His blurry, blue newborn eyes seemed to chime
In the middle of the night last Autumn
I met the third pair so big and brand new
Glaring up at me, yet another blue-eyed son
Speaking to me, “Mama, I love you.”
Three pairs of blue to cherish and love
They give me hope, strength and meaning so true
Together our family fits like a glove
Me, and my three pairs of blue.
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